June 23, 2011 (11 Weeks, 2 days)

This is the last one of my rambly boring first-trimester posts.  Look for my quick updates below!

We heard our baby’s heartbeat last week! Such relief to have some proof that baby is still healthy in there. Obviously that means we finally had my first appointment with the midwife, and I am in love with her all over again. I wish more women would seek out prenatal care from midwives, regardless of whether or not they’re looking to have an unmedicated birth. I am just in awe of their model of care for women and their passion for what they do. We sat with her for more than 40 minutes, just talking. It wasn’t her talking at us, rather a real conversation, driven by our questions, our concerns, our wishes. She is an amazing listener, and she has a knack for understanding what I might be anxious about, reading between the lines, and she cuts right to that. There were a few instances during which I did that thing I do where I get all self-deprecating and make a joke at my own expense in order to mask my insecurity. Anyway, she looked me in the eyes, and said very simply, “You are a good mother, Alicia. Pregnant women have enough to deal with; don’t let yourself get caught up in that mother’s guilt crap. You’re a good mother.” Yeah. She’s amazing.

We have now told most extended family, and a few close friends. I really badly want to just be out with it, but there are a few girlfriends who I haven’t seen in a while, and since we’re doing a ladies weekend in just two short weeks, I’m thinking I should wait so I can tell them in person. Also I still haven’t told my boss and coworkers. The plan is to do that today, but I’ve been saying that for a few days now, and I have backed out each day. Why am I so awkward about this? I would really like to get things out in the open because I am majorly showing (I know! Already at just 11 weeks, it is ridiculous. The only thing keeping me from going full neurotic pregnant lady is that there hasn’t really been any corresponding weight gain.) So I’m thinking at this point people either suspect, or they think I have really started to go crazy with the cheeseburgers. Or maybe I’m paranoid and no one really pays attention to what I look like or how I dress? Who knows. Whatever. Point is, I want to tell them today. There’s about a 50-50 chance I’ll actually follow through. 

I finally told my boss that day, after I instant messaged my coworker asking if she wanted to be let in on a little secret.  She immediately guessed my news, and ran down to my office and insisted that I go tell my boss that very moment and stop being such an idiot.  WHY AM I SO AWKWARD?!

I am really tired this week. More than usual. Gus has even been sleeping uncharacteristically well lately, so it’s strange. I’m finally getting more sleep, but I feel like even more of a zombie. Nice timing baby!

I am leaning towards wanting to find out the sex of the baby this time, but Dan is adamantly against it. Being pregnant the second time is just different, I feel like doing the practical thing. The surprise was awesome with Gus, but I guess I keep thinking about how like life is about to get much more insane and little tasks that seem difficult now with just Gus, will feel impossible with Gus plus newborn. If we’re having a girl, I want to be able to go shopping for adorable little girlie clothes while I still only have one child to haul through the mall! If we’re having another little boy, I want to get all of Gus’s old clothes washed and ready and organized! Gosh, I don’t know. But I do know that this is a decision that Dan and I need to make together, and if we can’t agree, then I will respect his right to not find out. So I guess that means I have about 8 and 1/2 weeks to make my case!

Pretty sure we will not be finding out the sex.  I don't want to force Dan into something he doesn't want to do, and now I am even questioning if it really matters.  I made my appointment today for our ultrasound a month from now, so there's a 5% chance we'll actually both change our minds before that, but it's unlikely. 

Also today, I got to do an early screening (at 16 weeks) for gestational diabetes, which is something I guess they force on ladies these days who have had big babies.  So really, that means they think I could have been borderline GD with Gus, since he was so massive (9 lb, 11 oz.). 

I do not like this test.  Chugging that nasty orange drink on an empty stomach.  Sitting in the waiting room of the clinic for two hours.  Having my blood drawn three separate times, the final time being super painful as she jabs around with the needle in my poor abused vein only to have to eventually give up and hit up the other arm for the good stuff. 

No I do not like this test one bit. 

And I do not like the implication that I may have had gestational diabetes just because I had a big baby.  Lots of people have big babies, and the whole thing just makes me feel super insecure.  Also, pretty sure that I'm going to have to do the standard screening at 28 weeks as well, provided this all comes out fine.  Ugh.  Cross your fingers that everything comes back fine.