May 12, 2011 (5 Weeks, 2 days)

So, my first secret pregnancy post.  My goodness, it is awkward reading this stuff, I was really laying it all out there, mostly because I knew I wasn't going to post it, at least right away, and now, it's just embarrassing.  Like reading an old diary from when I was fourteen.  Ha, those are gems let me tell you, I love the teenage angst! 

(I must add that when I first wrote that, pre-spell check, I spelled it jem, rather than gem, as in Jem (and the Holograms), my all time favorite 80's Saturday morning cartoon.  If you're a fan of Jem, and I know you are, you HAVE to go read the Plot summary on that Wikipedia link.  Priceless!  So many awesome and ridiculous things I forgot about... like Synergy, the holographic computer that made the Jem alter-ego possible, and how Jerrica became Jem with just a touch of her awesome starlight earrings!)

(Picture from Wikipedia)

If that wasn't a random digression I don't know what is, goodness.  Anyway, as I was saying, I didn't realize I'd feel so awkward about this writing I did only a few months ago, but whatever.  I promised I'd post them.  So without further ado... here's something I wrote two days after I found out I was pregnant.

Okay.

Whoa.

The test was positive. That really really faint second line that I had to convince Dan was there, yeah, that means we’re having another baby.

A family of four.

Two kids and a dog.

A 2 ½ year old and a newborn.

In the middle of winter. (Ugh.)

Holy mother.

So I took a test two days ago, the Tuesday after Mother’s Day. I had a feeling. And by feeling, I mean that quite literally. That morning at work I felt horribly nauseous, so that, combined with the fact that I’ve been feeling like a bloated rhinoceros for about a week… yeah. I had a bit of a realization, like, whoa, seriously, get with the program Alicia, you better take a test tonight, at least then you’ll know one way or another.

I’ve been nonchalant about the possibility that I could be pregnant, which I’m sure sounds sort of crazy, but it’s true. I couldn’t remember when exactly was the last time that I had, ahem, taken my monthly trip to the drug store, and we sort of decided a few months ago to just throw caution to the wind and see how quickly it happens without really trying.

That was our way of just dipping our toes into the waters of going for number two, because I don’t think either of us were really willing to say out loud, “Yeah, I’m totally ready for this, I can’t wait to have another baby!” It’s such a different mindset the second time around, I can’t really explain it. Of course we want more than one child, maybe even more than two, but now that we’re sort of finally getting into the groove of this whole parenting a toddler thing, and we kinda-sorta know what we’re getting ourselves into by willingly inviting a newborn into our lives again, but not really, because we’ve never had to care for a newborn AND a toddler at the SAME TIME… I don’t know. It’s scary. Exciting. Unreal. But yeah, that’s why we had to just sort of ease ourselves into it. Nothing like last time, which involved obsessing and taking my temperature every morning and charting and examining cervical mucus and completely refraining from any alcoholic beverages.

Shit though. It still only took like, two months. Ridiculous. Ease ourselves into it my ass.

It’s been two days, and it definitely doesn’t feel real yet.

Of course with everything I do, I’m thinking about how different it will be when we have another baby. When I nurse Gus I start to panic a little that now I REALLY need to get serious about weaning him, because no way am I going to tandem nurse a tiny baby and a two and a half year old. Now I feel like, in a weird way, I’m leading him on every time we nurse, and it feels mean, and it makes me sad that now there’s this deadline for his babyhood and he doesn’t even realize it. Or get a say in it. I know, it’s stupid, but it makes me really sad.

On top of all that weighty stuff, I feel like I’m just waiting for the 1st trimester agony to hit, the anticipation (dread) is killing me. I was sick almost every day until about 18 weeks when I was pregnant with Gus, and I remember what a baby I was about it, and I am really worried that I’m just going to be wishing away the next three months, and missing out on a fun summer with my son.

Oh, and yesterday I stopped for my morning coffee on the way to work, and just as I was about to order, it hit me. Oh yeah. Decaf it is. Blergh.

Of course I’m also nervous, cautious, because it’s still so early, haven’t even called my midwife yet, so many things could go wrong, and have gone wrong for so many other women before me. But yeah. THIS IS HAPPENING.

So anyway, that’s where I’m at, two days later. Believe me, even if it doesn’t sound like it, I am happy about this baby, it’s what we wanted. I’m so excited about growing our family, I look forward to what’s next, I can’t wait to see the belly grow, and to bring more giggles and smiles, and yes cries into our home. All of those shiny happy butterflies are there, they’re just surrounded by a little bit of shock and panic.

We’ve got quite the adventure ahead of us.

And because it's awesome, and "truly outrageous!"  For your viewing pleasure...