Overwhelmed

I’ve been in a bit of a funk over the last few weeks. I’ll admit it, the combination of school and work and life is really stressing me out. I wake up exhausted every morning, I have to tear myself out of bed and into the shower. Once I’m at work, I’m ok, but I’m constantly thinking about everything that I have to do for school, and the inevitable dread of going home starts around 4:00, because then all I’m thinking about is everything I should try to accomplish that night. The traffic seems worse every day, and I have a terrible headache by the time I get home from 40 minutes of stop and go, stop and go. Working out just seems like one more thing to try to fit in, so of course, that’s the thing I’ve dropped. The thing that gives me energy, that makes my body feel good, that is for no one but myself, is the thing I am too lazy or too unmotivated to do. When I’m overwhelmed, I simply start to shut down, any free time I have I spend vegging out on the couch, watching television I could care less about and eating though I’m not even hungry. When I go to bed at night, I lay there thinking about everything that I didn’t do that day. I touch my stomach and feel myself getting chubbier. The next day I wake up and do it all over again. I procrastinate some more. I continue to make excuses why I can’t go for a run. I avoid the piles of laundry that have accumulated. I try not to notice all of the burnt out light bulbs all over the house, or the dust bunnies underneath the coffee table.

I so desperately what to break out of this.

Maybe tomorrow.

Yes its one of those generic blogs...

Things I am currently loving (i.e. obsessing over):

Owls. I do not know why, but owls seem to be strangely hip these days, I see all the funky fashion bloggers sporting them and I find them enchanting in a vintage mod kind of way. I absolutely must have these owl earrings and this owl tote. Um, and excuse me, but who doesn’t need delicate owl-shaped french soap? And I’m thinking about having a baby JUST so I can dress him in this delectable little outfit. Cuteness overload, I almost can’t take it.

Dried fruit. Weird, I know, but I can’t get enough of it. I’ve been buying (and thus eating) the stuff by the pound. I love the banana chips the most…and dried apricots…and who knew dried pineapple was so tasty?

Soft crumbly cheeses on salads. If there is anything that will get me to eat more salad, it is topping said salad with mounds of Gorgonzola, feta, or blue cheese. Said mounds of cheese are attributable to so many additional caloric units, but so much added deliciousness!

Lost. Proving this season, once again, to be the most consistently thrilling, entertaining hour of television, week after week. Last week’s episode blew my mind into thousands of tiny pieces. I love that that show can be an edge-of-your-seat time bending adventure one second, and a heart-wrenching love-conquers-all romance the next. Desmond and Penny are the new… I have no idea. Ross and Rachel? No, Desmond is super hot and Penny does not have her own signature haircut. McDreamy and Meredith? No, they’re not doctors… nor are they annoying and whiny. Penny does have daddy issues though, so…

Pointy-toed flats. This is nothing knew, I’ve been wearing them forever, but I just can’t say enough about how fantastic they are. I love that they add a punch of hot to any outfit, without any of the discomfort you get with heals.

Cher Horowitz could very well be Bob Saget’s kids’ mother! That would be awesome. CBS not renewing one of my favorite shows, however, would be devastating. This, on top of the writer’s strike, which horror of horrors pushed me to read books instead of watching TV! What are they trying to do to couch potatoes like myself?

And I think that’s about enough random for today.

Nothing special

I don’t write here very often anymore (that makes it sound like I write somewhere else, which is not the case). This makes me sad, because there’s a reason why I started this site however many years ago. Not only do I love having a journal to look back on as sort of a record of the mundane things I do and the stupid things I worry about, but I also really simply like writing. It helps me sort out what’s important, it helps me notice what’s going on in the world around me, it helps me avoid letting just another Tuesday turn into a day of nothing special. For some reason writing sort of helps me discover little bits of special in those days (please pretend that is not the most horribly corny thing you’ve ever seen in writing). I think its because it honestly forces me to look at life in a totally different way, almost by taking a step back from the constant go-go-go and meditating on it all for a bit. Without some sort of “time-out” for reflection, it’s so easy for life to turn into just one long string of forgettable, insignificant moments. I certainly don’t want to let that happen.

Like yesterday, it was pretty darn ordinary, which is ok, because I like my ordinary, and I’m quite thankful for my ordinary. But there was a lot of good stuff mixed in with the ordinary that doesn’t deserve to be immediately filed away.

I had to get out of the office at lunchtime, because holy crap my job can turn my brain into mush some days, so I went across the street to this great health food place that has the best sandwiches and home-made soups. I haven’t been there since the crabby snarly lady who makes no attempt to hide the fact that she simply hates her job and you, her customer, for making her do it, put mayo on my turkey wrap when I most distinctly requested that she not. I remember that day because I was super stressed at work, and when I got back to my office and saw the massive amount of white junk all over my lunch, I almost started crying. And when I attempted to scrape it off with napkins I had to choke back vomit as I gagged uncontrollably. I ate two bites and threw it away. I really hate mayo. The point of all this is that that specific horrible incident had put me off from H&H café for months, and yesterday I decided to brave the place again after going over and over in my head as to how and when I would say “no mayo” this time. My hope was to greatly minimize the probability that she would forget my special request again this time, and thereby minimize the probability that I would be crying and gagging back in my office 5 minutes later. Anyway, the point of all this is that crabby snarly sandwich lady is gone. I didn’t ask why, but she no longer works there. It was a surprising twist to be sure, she’s been working there for as long as I’ve been eating there, and I’ve been eating there as long as I’ve been working at my job. Four and a half years. Holy crap, I’ve almost been at my job for five years, how is that possible? Ok, let’s not get off topic. Unfortunately I believe that lady may have been holding the place together, because that joint was literally pure chaos yesterday. It seriously was 20 minutes before I had my sandwich, and there were only two people waiting in line at the counter when I walked in. The two ladies working were running all over the place, they had forgotten to order this, ran out of that by 10:30 AM. I left the place very stressed out and just drove to a nearby park with a pond to eat my sandwich in my car. I had planned on eating in, reading a bit, but I just couldn’t be in that madhouse anymore.

As I was eating my lunch in my car, listening to the radio, I noticed that there were all these beautiful geese sitting on the ice in the parking lot, hanging out and looking very cold. Aren’t geese supposed to fly south for the winter, what are they doing here? In the warmer months they are always running all over the place at that park, those geese are one of the reasons why I sometimes go there to eat my lunch, (the other is to absorb some happiness-inducing rays of sunlight which I have to go without throughout most of my work day), but it made me sad to see them all huddled together in the cold and the snow. I started having irrational thoughts about making a run to target to buy blankets and loaves of bread for the poor things. Anyways, maybe I’m crazy, and this is normal goose behavior. I am certainly not an expert. They just really did not look happy. They were not frolicking like they were in September.

Let's get this party started

So I’m already feeling quite unmotivated at work this week, and I’m not even past lunchtime on Monday yet. I think it’s a variety of things, but mostly having to do with the holidays. It’s this sort of restless feeling I get every year around this time, a mix of excitement for a break from the mundane and a little worrying about the fact that time passes much too quickly as you get older. I know, I’m only 26 years old, but I’m already starting to feel like the years are blurring together. Vacations that feel like they were just this past summer actually happened two and a half years ago. Dan and I argue about what we did last Christmas because our holidays together are now part of the routine, not all sparkly and new like they were the year we got engaged, or the first year we were married. Weird how that stuff happens isn’t it? It’s not necessarily a bad thing, I even find some comfort in the safe stability of it all, it’s just that it sort of snuck up on me.

As a whole, I’m really looking forward to it this year. I can’t wait to have my brother home, I really truly miss him on those nights we are sitting around the dinner table at my parents’ house. There’s a noticeable void. And as fantastic as it is that he is in Chicago, doing his own thing, making a life for himself, it’s strange to know that we will probably never have the whole family living in the same city again. Except for the holidays. Therefore we all cherish that time that he is back home with us. There really is just something about having the three of us siblings all together, bickering and laughing, sitting around the dining room table. It’s usually inexcusably loud, irreverent, and sometimes we even say really horrible things to our poor mother (and sometimes she deserves it.) I just can’t wait.

Thus, my lack of motivation here at work. One more week of this, and then its family and friends visiting from out of town, heavy carb-laden food from casserole pans, crazy children running frantically through the house with sugar and present-induced hysteria, long leisurely dinners at my parents, followed by coffee, laughing, and plans for late night movies, waking up early on Christmas morning to join in the fun as Dan’s brothers and sisters discover what Santa brought them this year, and After-Christmas Sale shopping and lunching and all that is in between.

This weekend I watched White Christmas and Home for the Holidays, and I wrapped presents and finished most of my shopping. I am ready for this holiday.

This week is so going to drag.

I rule at Christmas

I am seriously so pleased with myself and my internet shopping abilities. Basically, the internet = awesome, and I have been able to do so much of my shopping online this year that I have almost completely obliterated holiday stress from my life. Kick ass. My favorite sites for fun and different gifts, you ask?

Uncommon Goods
Creative Kidstuff
Etsy
Oh My That's Awesome
See Jane Work
Rare Bird Finds

Check em out. I'm thinking today is pretty much the last day for internet shopping if you want to avoid heavy rush shipping charges.

Anyways, I don't have much else to talk about. I just ate a ridiculous amount of crock pot food and christmas cookies and random snacks, as today was our company's annual potluck holiday lunch thing. I'm stuffed and feeling a bit sick. Also, I have tomorrow off, so that is awesome. I think I will clean like a mad woman and maybe do some gift wrapping (my all time favorite thing about the holidays). And tonight is the last night of class until January 10th. High five! Unfortunately we were assigned one year ago, to have read by tonight, a book I have presently barely touched. So I'm taking the afternoon off to plow through it. My procrastination these days is making me very nostalgic for undergrad. Hey girls - remember when I dropped that Lit class after a near-meltdown the night before a book was to have been read? A book I had not read one single word from? Man, good times. Remember when I hung out and watched movies with my lump of a boyfriend instead of studying for my Macroeconomics exam? Never fear... I'm still the same stupid girl.

Surprisingly though, I'm quite upbeat about it. =)

Just breathe

Ok, I am feeling much better about things, just 4 days later. I got the marketing paper done, and have another due next Thursday that I feel like I have a much better handle on. So I am no longer feeling so spastic and inclined to write annoying "woe-is-me" blogs. I'm much more calm, and hopefully there will be no more random posts out of nowhere about how horrible my life is. Because it isn't. But I guess we all have the right to freak out a bit once and a while right?

So tonight, I finally get to run on the treadmill, which I haven't had time to do all week. A week where I really could have used the endorphins and exercise-high, but there was just no time for it.

Monday - I was too busy with my freakout that you all witnessed.
Tuesday - I ended up staying at work until 8:00, trying to avoid wasting my entire night on a snowfall-induced 3 hour commute.
Wednesday - I had to interview my grandpa for a paper I'm writing about him (due next week).
Thursday - Work, class, wine, sleep. No Time!

Tonight I have to bake cookies for a cookie exchange with some friends tommorrow, and I am so excited! I am a terrible baker, but I love it anyways, and a night in the kitchen with the ipod blasting Christmas music sounds almost perfect.

And hopefully tommorow, out with the girls, I will be able to get some Christmas shopping done, since all we have is a few random things purchased the day after Thanksgiving. Crap. Seriously... what am I going to get for Dan? Argh. Whatever, I'll figure it out, I always do. See how optimistic and cheery I am? A different woman, I swear, from two days ago.

Happy Holidays (this is seriously AWESOME!) I just hate how elf-Dan is so much skinnier than me. Bastard.

I am stressed

Ok. I am "this close" to crying right now. For the last half hour I have been writing about how exhausted and stressed out about school I have been, and how it is impossible for me to enjoy the holiday season, and how sad that makes me because it really is my favorite time of the year, and a whole bunch of other crap. And I just some-how erased it all. ALL OF IT. And all those feelings of relief I had from getting it all off my chest and straightening it all out in my head are GONE, because the words are all GONE. Ugh.

I need to go eat like 14 cookies or something. I think that will make me feel better.

I can't wait until December 14th. This will all be over December 14th. Maybe I should go meditate and chant that knew little mantra. Because god forbid I actually go work on the paper due Thursday.

Dan and I did take an evening last week out of frantically writing up our marketing case studies to put up the tree and decorate for Christmas. Here are a few pictures from the last few weeks. The softness of our decorated living room soothes me... and the first snowfall on Thanksgiving felt like a reminder of better things to come. At least that is something.







She deperately wants to investigate this foreign being...


... and evenutally gives into the temptation.


Finally, she attempts to destroy.

My (snotty) Comeback

Things that piss me off about being a woman, especially on days like today when I am PMS-ing and eating a Lean Cuisine for lunch:

- Maybe it’s just me, but I find the entire process of sneaking a tampon from my office to the bathroom completely irritating and quite simply, exhausting. I despise the whole song-and-dance and really just hate that I have to deal with it at all. I can’t count the number of times that I’ve been mid-route and an obnoxious contracts guy stops me to ask a question, which I try to answer as I maneuver myself so as not to reveal what I am carrying. You have to be uuber sneaky, and I try to change up my methods, which usually depend on what I’m wearing. With long sleeves, I do the trusty “up-the-sleeve” move, which requires a lady to walk with her arms stick straight, (so as not to cause the sounds of rustling plastic to be heard by those she passes), while awkwardly clenching the ends of her sleeves. Other times I will stick it in the waistband of my pants, but this method almost always produces the rustling sounds, so I have to compensate by making a bunch of extra noise as I walk. It also causes a bulge, so it cannot be done right unless one’s shirt is loose and long enough. Cardigans help. Finally, the best way is really to hide the tampon in a file folder or notebook or something, and walk like you’re on the way to a meeting. However, I don’t like to use this method too many times in one day, because I tend to pass the same people on the way to the bathroom (smokers heading outside every 15 minutes - I’m looking at you), and I am paranoid that they will notice I’m carrying the same fricken file folder every time I go to the bathroom. Whatever. Maybe I am seriously crazy and am the only one to go to such lengths, but all this work to change my tampon is just really aggravating.

- It also pisses me off that I have to worry so much about what I’m eating for breakfast and lunch, so as not to completely ruin my day, because I will inevitably over-eat in the evening. If I indulge myself and have a donut or bagel for breakfast, I am regretting it almost the instant it is in my belly, because then I have to try to eat either a tiny lunch, or forgo my couch-snacking in the evening. Or that glass of red wine with my TiVo. These are treats I allow myself after making it through another 9-hour day at the office, so if I’ve screwed myself over already by 9:00 AM, what kind of day do you think I’ll have? Ugh. Today’s a good day so far though, I had a Kashi granola bar and a non-fat strawberry yogurt (with, of course, coffee). High five for me. Whoo!

- Tights. I hate that they are both soooooo freaking cute, and so fricken uncomfortable. Why God? Why? By the way, I’m wearing tights today, and I think I might have found some good ones that create minimal waist-bulge and crotch-drooping. It probably helps that I bought the biggest size there is, “supposedly” for women that weight 25-60 pounds more than me. That is such bullshit. Just add that to the list. The sizing method of tights.

- While we’re at it, sizing of ALL women’s clothing is just ridiculous. I hate that I have to try on every single thing I buy because no two retailers have the same sizing methods. How freaking aggravating.

I sound so pissy. I’m not even having that bad of a day, oh well. Maybe it will make it better if I say something nice. Ok, here goes. I love Jesus and puppies. That should do it.

What I'm thinking about

I am sick, and miserable, and exhausted. But here I am, at work, trying to keep my spirits up. What I seriously hate most about being sick is that it completely ruins any fun that playing hooky from work would usually involve. Monday I left work early in the afternoon, feeling crappy ever since returning from lunch, and then didn’t go in at all yesterday. Well, I swear, yesterday was the most boring, uneventful, depressing day I have had ever. I thought it would be fun and relaxing to spend the day on the couch, watching movies and soap operas and Regis and Kelly. However, being as I was actually sick, I did not truely enjoy any of this. Simple tasks like changing the channel or getting up to fill my waterbottle took every ounce of motivation and energy in my body to accomplish. Sucky. What a waste of PTO.

I’m feeling a bit better today, and I have meetings this afternoon, so that is why I’m here.

So all the old men at my office are constantly striking up conversations with me about Garrision Keillor because I have one of those Dwight (from The Office) bobbleheads. I’ve always found it incredibly annoying having to try to explain why I would have a television show character’s bobblehead on my desk because none of them “get” The Office, but I had never actually taken the time to do a comparison of the two, and holy crap, the old guys are totally right. The resemblence is UNCANNY! Check it.

I just had to get out of the house last night, and since Dan had a fantasy football draft, I called up my mom to see if she wanted to go see a movie. So we saw Becoming Jane, which I was formerly on the fence about. I am a die-hard obsessor of all things Jane Austen, and Anne Hathaway just didn’t seem good enough for her, not to mention the fact that the trailers I had seen looked absolutely terrible. But of course I couldn’t not see it, and I’m glad we went, because it was pretty incredible. Now I want to go watch Pride and Prejudice, or even go read it again. Or rent the Colin Firth mini-series. Or all of the above. Swoon.

I’m going to a wedding this weekend in Sandusky, Ohio. I don’t know what there is to do in Sandusky, Ohio, but it should be interesting. We’re making the 14 hour drive in a coach bus driven by the friend or brother or cousin or neighbor or college roommate or something of someone related to someone related to Dan. We have entrusted this person with our lives. Scary. Also, we heard a rumor that there will be NO STOPS on the trip, which, if true, will be absolutely dreadful. How is this possible? So we’re supposed to pack lunches? And we’re supposed to poop in the little bathroom at the back of the bus? WHAT?!!! Also, drinking is allowed on the bus, and this side of the family is known for their sometimes “excessive” drinking habits. Case in point: our wedding. Not only did his uncle literally have some sort of table-war during dinner in which they threw around the little pink M&M’s we had spent hours carefully packaging in cute little white boxes which were carefully tied with cute little pink ribbons, but his cousin was actually drunk enough to pinch the bottoms of a few bridesmaids on the dance floor. So we will soon see what this weekend has in store for us. I’m sure the wedding will be beautiful, and I have a super cute dress that I bought at the beginning of the summer that I finally get to wear, I’m just a little nervous about getting there in once piece. We will see… dun dun dun.

Good things

Lots of good things happening in my world lately, but I have to start with the most awesome: FREE coffee at work. Not only is this FREE coffee FREE, but it is really ridiculously tasty FREE coffee. There had been much grumbling around the office after one of my co-workers returned from some training out east with some very unsettling information – that they all had free coffee out there! Wait, that’s totally underselling it, let me re-phrase that. They had full out espresso machines and starbucks coffee out there. For free. We of course all cried foul immediately, and in the months that followed rumors of this free-coffee-coming-soon-to-an-employee-kitchen-near-you ran rampant throughout cubicle land. Funny what things actually instill passion and excitement in an office, huh? Anyway, as I have already stated, they weren’t just rumors, and we now have delicious free coffee coming out of our ears. Also, hot tea, hot chocolate, caramel swirl drinks, it is CRAZY!!! They really went all out. However no espresso machine, but I’ll take what I can get.

Cool thing number two in my world was my birthday, which was on Sunday, and which I milked for all I possibly could for the last week. Poor Dan. However he did put his foot down just once, by refusing to do the one thing that I wanted to do on my actual birthday. He wouldn’t go see Hairspray with me. The nerve. ;) Actually it was a wonderful birthday, and I had a great weekend. We went out with friends Friday night, hit up one of my favorite places, and proceeded to drink way too much. My brother-in-law bought me a shot, which managed to both surprise and disgust me by actually being spicy. He informed me after I took it that it was a prairie fire, i.e. tequila and tobasco sauce… yuck. Here is the aftermath:



I did end up drinking too much that night. Dan of course told me the next day that I was wholly irritating, stubborn and nonsensical in everything that I said. One thing I will say, is that I have this strange drunken habit of finding the ONE person who is not drinking ANYTHING and striking up a long and ridiculous conversation with them. Poor Corey. Liz, be sure to tell him I’m sorry. I am completely embarassed. Also, I smoked a cigarette. The first since, I dunno, 1984. Well, not really, I was three years old in 1984. But it’s definitely been a looooong time. I think I was trying to impress Betsy’s sister and brother, Abb and Tom. Hopefully I succeeded. Because smoking is the coolest. The best way to make people like you. Tell that to your children.

I have lots of these pictures… basically of me hugging the crap out of my friends. I love you guys, but you all know I am not much of a hugger. So yea. Drunk.



And finally, one of my favorite couples got engaged on Saturday, and I am so happy for them! Unfortunately, it had to be the day AFTER I drunkenly berated poor Andy for taking too long to pop the question. Poor guy. Bets – did he tell you that we were driving him so crazy that he broke down and told Dan that night that he had the ring and was going to ask you? I’m so glad Dan was able to keep that secret, because it was so much better hearing it from you. Anyway, here’s the happy couple, the night before they were engaged. So romantic. ;) Contratulations Bets... I can't wait to help you plan... and shop!