Friday, June 09, 2006

Something's gotta give

I have been sitting at my desk, barely doing a thing all morning, in a trance-like state of exhaustion. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I am just so tired. So very tired. I had to have a conference call with some evil corporate grouchy accountants at 9:00, which did not help make my morning any better. Honestly, I am feeling so lazy and so blech, I can’t even think of the words so I can write them here because my brain hurts when I try to use it.

I’m feeling very uninspired with my job lately. I’m bored, and when I get bored, my motivation and ambition just fly right out my imaginary office window. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but, my God, I can’t imagine 50 more years of this. Hell no. I want to do something creative, something that makes me excited, something that matters. The problem is, I have no idea what that is. This all sounds so cliché, and I hate that. Can’t I just be one of those people that makes good money doing a job that is just that, a job, and is happy in the rest of her life, happy with the people she’s chosen to spend her life with, happy with the things she does after work and on weekends and on vacations? I mean, there are lots of people out there that live their lives like that right?

Maybe it’s just the industry I’m in, I don’t think I necessarily hate being in finance, maybe I just hate working in government defense, that seems like a more logical explanation. Well, I hope that’s it, because changing jobs is one thing, I don’t know how to completely change your whole career path. It’s actually a really scary thing to think about, because I feel like I’ve let myself become so reliant on my income, and I’m not sure we could handle the adjustments that would have to be made as a family if that changed. And furthermore, I’m not sure I could handle that kind of pressure, the pressure that comes from making a huge life-changing decision. What happens if I don’t like the new career either? What happens if I fail? What happens if I change my mind? Being married means that these decisions are not just mine to make, what I do affects Dan and our future life together. But people do that kind of thing all the time, change careers, right? I’ve got to assume it works out sometimes, right? The one thing I’ve always wanted was to be an entrepreneur, but I’m such a chicken, terrified of loosing a shit-load of money, terrified of failing, letting myself down. But how great would it be if I didn’t fail? How amazing would it feel to have pride in what I’m doing, to get up in the morning excited about what I’m going to do that day?

I wonder if I’m just in a funk. I can’t even bring myself to do my hair in the morning lately. I’ve worn it up in a messy frizzy bun 4 out of the 5 working days this week. How’s that for cute? Today, I didn’t even bother getting out the blow-dryer at all. I just pulled all my wet, color-faded, split-end ridden hair back, slapped on some bronzer and mascara, grabbed my favorite comfy jeans from the laundry basket full of clean clothes that has been sitting in the living room for a week waiting for me to put them away, and topped the whole look off with flip flops that are not technically “suitable office attire”, even for casual Friday. Yes, I’m quite the professional.

I’m getting too comfortable. Being comfortable in a career should be a good thing, but I’m starting to worry that I’m not moving at the pace I should be. I need to get my MBA if I want to be on track with the people that all graduated when I did, but it’s hard to get motivated about doing that when I’m not sure I’m happy where this whole career thing of mine is going.

And then there’s babies, it all goes back to those damn babies doesn’t it? At some point here, I’d like to start having babies, and then will I even care about my career anymore? I almost feel like the answer to that question is no, but then I worry that the only reason I feel that way is because I am so bored with where I’m at now.

I just don’t know. Something has to change here though, at some point.