Thursday, February 26, 2015
So this has been a fun week!
It hasn't been that bad. Really, truly, I'm hanging in there. I've been working from home all week, watching a lot of Gilmore Girls, eating a lot of candy and ice cream, and going to bed at 9:30 every night. If mentally being overdue wasn't so insanity-inducing, I'd say I've been having a mighty fine time.
But yeah, the whole mental thing. It is just so impossible to go about normal life with this big "thing" hanging over our heads, and every time I think about it too much I get either nervous about the conditions and logistics of how it will all go down, or I start thinking about the pain of labor, and grossness of it, and how it certainly won't be super duper fun. And then I feel bizarrely relieved that I'm not doing it yet, and can continue to just sit and watch TV and eat candy and live in limbo la la land for a little bit longer. And then 5 minutes later I am PISSED and praying for the pain to just start already and I'm so agitated by the fact that I just want to meet this baby girl and make sure she is healthy and everything is okay but she just won't listen and come out already and what the hell is she waiting for?! I want to tell people what her name is and find out if she really does have lots of hair after a long pregnancy riddled with heartburn. And I want to smell her. And kiss her. She has been my little companion every day for the last 9 months and now I am ready to wrap her in soft blankets and inspect her little toes and hang out with her in a way that does not involve her kicking my bladder or seemingly clawing at my cervix to get out. But then not. Getting out.
My dad had to unexpectedly travel this week for work, he left yesterday and will be back tomorrow, and this is somewhat unfortunate because he was our guy. Our backup that could leave work or home or anywhere at the drop of a hat, car seats to haul away our children loaded in his Jeep, the skinny on where they should be or should go or will need to be picked up at on any given day at any given time.
And really, it's not that big of a deal, we have so many people in our lives that are ready and willing and able to help. This little girl has aunts and uncles up the wazoo chomping at the bit to help us in our time of need. But still, our main backup being gone meant we just had to think through logistics quite a bit this week. We had to have a different plan for each day, to account for who would watch the kids and bring them to school or their stuff. It meant we had to think about it every night before bed. Plan and prepare and inform and decide.
And it's just annoying that it's all been for nothing. I have this little "cheat sheet" with important information about each kid and their "stuff" and "schedules". At the bottom it has little notes with dates next to them about tiny stupid things that would actually be important to the kids so I don't want them to go forgotten. Like swimsuits and towels and $6 to go to the pool with daycare on 2/25 (Louie) and 2/26 (Gus). Or how 2/23 was "hat day" at preschool, and 2/25 sweatsuit day. And before that? There was pajama day on 2/18, and soccer on 2/21, and yeah, the freaking Valentines day parties at daycare and school on 2/12 and 2/13.
I get that a lot of this is fluff, but for a 5 year old, pajama day has the potential to feel a little bit like the best day of your life. At least that's what I gather. I know how stressful and how huge of a transition this will be for both boys, and for Dan and me as well, so anything I can do to make things more "normal", provide them with the comfort of some routine in all the crazy... well it's important to me.
My point is this. You should see that damn list. The stupid "cheat sheet". TONS of stuff crossed off as irrelevant, since those days have all passed. And still no baby. All that careful planning and thinking ahead. For nothing. Now looking at that stupid list makes me IRRITATED.
This morning I had my appointment with one of the midwives. According to me and my due date, which is based on conception, I am 40 weeks, 6 days. According to my charts, I am 40 weeks, 3 days. So I'm not considered 41 weeks until this next Monday, at which point they would do an ultrasound and a non-stress test and make sure they're still okay with where I'm at. Induction would be at 42 weeks. God almighty, please no.
Anyway, this morning I had them check me for the first time. I didn't want them to do it last week, since I knew it would just cause cramping and probably more mind-games, but today I said hell yes. Also, sweep those membranes.
Well I'm already at 5 cm. Walking around freaking half-way there, no wonder it feels like she's about to fall out of me! (Sorry.)
With my history of pretty quick labors, the midwife I met with was like, "How long will it take you to get to the hospital?" and "please call us right away, as soon as you start having any contractions" and "I really doubt you'll make it to next Monday, but let's schedule that non-stress test and ultrasound just in case, and if you STILL haven't gone into labor tomorrow morning, you're welcome to come back and I can sweep your membranes again."
Ugh. Sounds super fun! It's a date!
So I of course left somewhat excited, crampy, uncomfortable, and nervous. And then got bizarrely emotional and started crying while talking to Dan on the phone, insisting that he come home and work remotely because it just makes me nervous being alone when I'm dang 5 cm dilated.
And yet, here we sit. I'm extremely uncomfortable and having lots of cramping and "signs" but no real contractions at all, still, 5 hours later. And the boys will need to be picked up from daycare within the hour. Damn. So much for getting this thing going while it would be convenient. (It's not going to happen when it's convenient is it?)
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Alternate title: Sooooo Crabby.
So let's get this out of the way. No, I haven't hit my due date yet. I am not (yet) overdue, and I realize that I really should be digging deep down to find a way to embrace that fact and remain all hippie zen about these last days of pregnancy. Find a way to focus on the good.
I just cannot seem to do it. I am so sick of being pregnant. I am so sick of waking up every 1.5 hours each night to flip over because my hip has gone numb. Oh, and might as well go to the bathroom while I'm up. I can't believe how long each night feels. I look at the clock with dread, just hoping it's time to get up, even though I'm still SO EXHAUSTED every single morning.
I am sick of the mind games. I am sick of being in limbo.
Not to mention (wait, I'm mentioning it) the heartburn seems to have come back. And the intense pelvic pain. And some GI issues.
Yay! Everyone's favorite thing, to hear a pregnant lady complain about her symptoms.
Let's just move on from the obvious, that I would like to get this baby on the outside. And it should also go without saying that I am anxious to meet her and get to know her and have her in my arms and introduce her to her brothers and attempt to ease into (or more likely barrel into) our new normal as a family of five. We are all just so excited. And so ready.
We have been staying relatively busy, which helps. And I'm pretty good about being upbeat about life until the early evening rolls around, and then I'm just done. It never fails, dinner/bedtime and you can cue the hysterics and crazy pregnant lady whining. (A-la above.)
The kids are both on antibiotics after testing positive for strep last week. Thankfully, neither of them ever really exhibited any terrible symptoms, but we decided to get Gus tested while we were at the pediatrician for pink eye, since he had been exposed to it at both daycare and preschool. And that set off the whole thing. Gus ended up missing school all week long, and then Monday of course was President's Day so he had off. And the Friday before last was some sort of teacher's conference day, so he hasn't been to school in 2 weeks. We are very much off our routine, and then there's the impending baby thing, so life has just been weird.
There's a big bright side in all of that sick kid drama, though, which is that it happened LAST week. And both kids are now busy getting healthy, are not contagious, and are able to go to school/daycare. Also Dan and I both tested negative and the sore throat that I've had for a week has finally subsided. Now let's have this baby before anyone else gets sick!
Last weekend was my nephew Lucas's birthday, and thank goodness we were healthy for it because Gus in particular would have been DEVASTATED to miss the big party. Such a fun day at John and Dannell's house, and I got to squeeze 3 week-old baby Liela quite a bit, who I hadn't seen since visiting her in the hospital the night she was born. It was good to just relish in her newborn-ness, take in that delicious scent and remember what it feels like to hold and comfort and love such a tiny, innocent little person. Such a gift.
You can tell the party was on Valentines day, all of these cute cousins dressed by their mothers in appropriately festive red and pink.
I love watching little kids hold babies. It's clear that they've watched and learned how they're supposed to do it from grown-ups. Abby had her turn with her newest cousin and didn't stop gently adjusting Liela's blanket, glancing down at her and quietly and carefully marveling over her little feet and hands. I could tell she knew what a privilege this little moment was, and I could see that she was proud. It was very sweet.
I think I saw them fill up that bowl of cheese balls something like 3 times. Before lunch. So gross, but such a rare treat and I am too pregnant to care.
The kids went to bed quite early after the big birthday party so Dan and I actually got to have a nice little Valentines date at home. We held hands and snuggled on the couch, watched a really lovely movie (Begin Again), and I had my 2nd glass of red wine this pregnancy. Savored every. single. sip.
Sunday was a low key day at home and it was welcome after our busy Saturday. I even took a nap, and then we had dinner at my parents' house which meant a good home cooked meal that I did not have to cook and a welcome distraction from still being pregnant. I was really hoping Sunday... or even Monday, would be the day. But alas. Here we are.
I'll tell you, if I remain pregnant into next week I will be working from home, I think I'm making people uncomfortable in the office. They don't actually know what to say to me, but are still so curious, so a lot of inappropriate things end up being said. And it's just... awkward. One lady called me yesterday just to see if I was still answering my phone. Ha! Absurd, but sweet.
See you on the other side...
Friday, February 06, 2015
We're ready baby girl!
Because we all know that it's the pink curtains that indicate readiness for a child, right?
For real though, the countdown is definitely on. I know it could still be two weeks (or more) before this baby is born, but we're to that point where I make "tentative" plans, assuming the baby is still on the inside. Still feeling relatively chill about the whole thing, because while dude, I am SO READY to not be pregnant, I'd also really like at least one more week at work because last week was insane trying to wrap things up and pass things off and train my backups.
Yeah, I could really use one more week.
And as chill as I may claim to be, I'm still of course nervous about how it will all go down, the timing of when I'll go into labor, where the boys will be or go, and how quickly or not quickly everything will happen this time.
There really is nothing like the unknown of giving birth. Nothing else in life quite like it, and I almost feel like it's better to try to not think about it. (Impossible.)
The nursery looks like a nursery though, a little girl's nursery at that, and THAT feels really good. When Louie was born a week and a half before his due date, this same room was a disaster area. Baby clothes spilling out of blue tubs all over the room, everything in disarray, the new bassinet we had purchased still in its box, and a completely unorganized dresser.
So if the baby came tomorrow, we'd be okay. Just knowing I wouldn't be coming home from the hospital to a disaster (not to mention a mouse on steroids taken to defecating on our bed) is a huge relief.
Ice cream right out of the gallon bucket is a clear sign of a pregnant lady who is totally over it.
I give up.
The big brothers are ready. Gus informed me the other day that he plans on feeding the baby mushed bananas when she's hungry, and picking her up when she cries, and that he can't wait to hold her all the time. There will definitely need to be some ground rules set but his heart is clearly in the right place. ;)
Louie will be a bit of a wild card during this transition, I'm thinking. Currently he basically wants his mother to do everything for him all the time, and as difficult as that can be being THIS pregnant, it's certainly not going to be easier with a newborn. But we will manage. I'm anticipating some high highs, and some low lows.
Cannot wait to meet this girl. We have a name, and she sounds like the sister of Gus and Louie. She sounds like our daughter. We have a plethora of ruffly leggings folded in the dresser. We have little pink hats adorned with birds and bows. We have a few new pacifiers in case this one actually decides to take a pacifier.
And now we wait, and try not to go crazy, and do regular life stuff like help the boys with getting their valentines ready for parties next week at daycare and preschool.
We will find things to do to burn off excess energy.
We will snuggle the babies that have already arrived.
And we will remain patient. No matter how uncomfortable "we" might be. :)