Friday, February 26, 2010

Catching up

I wish I would have been better about writing since Gus was born, but its never too late right? So my baby is just a little over a week away from being 6 months old. I can’t believe that, has it really been 6 months? As evidenced by my little goofball going crazy in his Jump & Go right now, exploring the door jams, gnawing on the tag that I suppose I should have ripped off, and squealing with delight, yea I’ve got a 6 month old.

He is really such a joy. Last night he came home from his grandma’s blowing raspberries like crazy, and not those tired, frustrated raspberries he used to blow when he was 4 months old, they are like hilarious, jubilant, joyful raspberries. He is just such a happy, wonderful baby.

That’s not to say I’m not constantly exhausted, because I am. Gus spends about half to three quarters of each night in our bed, because he just wakes up so much and I simply don’t have the energy to keep going in to sooth him or nurse him and then putting him back in his crib, only to have him wake 45 minutes later. Instead I bring him to bed with us, lay down, and give him the boob. When he starts to fuss and wake up 45 minutes later, I roll him over to the other side and boob him again for about 60 seconds and he’s out. This goes on for many many hours, and it leaves me feeling like a zombie in the morning. Some nights are better than others, and it seems like he’s waking much less now than he was a month ago, so I am hopeful. I’m just not willing to do cry-it-out, not now, not ever, and I don’t have the energy for any other kind of “gentle” sleep-training. So bed sharing it is! And it’s a pretty full bed when you consider the fact that our dog is in it too.

The other issue plaguing my life is the constant worrying about my milk supply, which seems to have taken a dip this and last week for no discernable reason. I shouldn’t say my supply has tanked, because Gus seems to be getting plenty of milk those 4 days of the week that we are together. It’s just that the 3 days a week that I’m at work I don’t seem to be able to pump enough milk. I am freaking pumping 4 times a day, for about 15-20 minutes a time. That’s A LOT of time pumping at work. And then when I get home at night, it seems like there’s a whole lot of screaming at the boob, which usually brings me to tears and leads me to believe he’s not getting what he wants. It’s like I’ve pumped myself dry all day, to get 14-15 ounces. And he’s taking in as much as 20 ounces some days at day care. So while the situation certainly isn’t dire, he’s only away from me 3 days a week, and I have a freezer supply with almost 100 ounces, it still is really stressing me out, and I am always mentally calculating how long that freezer stash will last us if I continue to not able to keep up with him. This week I started taking More Milk Plus four times a day, Fenugreek twice a day, and am focusing on drinking tons of water, so I hope some of that helps. I also try to get a few pumping sessions in Friday through Monday when I’m home with him, but that’s not always easy. Ugh. On top of it all, there’s the guilt. If my pumping Tuesday through Thursday is not quite keeping up with his intake, I feel tremendous guilt even thinking about being away from him for even a few hours on my days off. I want to go on a date with my husband, which hasn’t happened since Gus was born. I want to see a movie, which I haven’t done for months. But I feel like I should be with him as much as possible when I can, nursing as much as possible, to at least keep up my supply. I know the guilt is just part of being a mom, I realize, but it’s nice to be able to vent a bit here. Now though, I’m feeling guilty about venting about it. Ridiculous!

Though there are a lot of difficult things that come with being a mom, I really truly love it. I adore this child of mine. He is so hilarious and sweet. He’s starting to sit up on his own these days (with a little help of course!), he explores everything he can get his hands on, he’s obsessed with remotes and phones and even shows that he has a little stubborn temper when you take them away from him. So funny! He loves to stand and bounce, is fascinated and obsessed with all dogs, squealing with delight if he can get his hands on them. He is constantly taking everything in around him, and loves to go to different places. He used to nap if I took him somewhere like the mall, pushing him in the stroller or carrying him in the Moby. Now he is just captivated by everything he sees, babbling and smiling at strangers, grabbing clothes off the wrack, screeching with glee at the crazy colors and the children running and playing. He is always reminding me how lucky I am to be his mom. Isn’t it amazing how children make you see things with different eyes? I love looking at the world through him, I feel hopeful, thankful, and just in awe of what a beautiful and wonderful world we live in.