That's what I keep telling myself. So here we go.
Olive weaned herself about a month ago, at 10 months old, and I was very angry at her, and completely heartbroken. For like two days. Then I was all, "Woo hoo! Party time!" I don't have to wear tanks under my shirt every day! I can wear dresses again! I don't have to fight her to nurse when we're going to be out and about all day. I can be out of the house at bedtime and it's NO BIG DEAL! And speaking of bedtime, it takes about 15 minutes now, instead of 45.
There are certainly benefits to the situation.
(Obsessed with her pigtails.)
But man that first night when she refused to nurse at bedtime? Pure devastation. I sobbed. And yes, I realize that is a dramatic reaction but, for real. I was completely thrown off by her very sudden refusal to nurse, at bedtime of all times. And her being my third and almost for sure last baby made it all the more difficult.
Both of my boys nursed until I got pregnant with the other, and then had to slowly cut them off, and that part of the process was always stressful for me and confusing for them. Olive just cut that part out, so I guess I appreciate that.
So now I've been exclusively pumping for about five weeks or so, and it suuuuuucks. I hate it. Hate hate hate. I am so impressed and amazed by any mom that ever had to or chose to exclusively pump. Pumping moms, you are amazing. I wish I could say I had an ample freezer stash so I didn't have to keep doing this, but at the time of Olive's weaning I only had about 100 ounces. We have had to dip into it because my supply is very slowly dwindling away and every week or so we have to pull about 10-15 ounces in order to keep up with her. We're managing, and the end is in sight, so I suppose I need to just buck up. But man, I hate it. I feel like I am always washing pump parts, always remembering just as I am snuggling into my bed to go to sleep that I forgot to pump one last time. The worst is when we're trying to get out of the house for something, which of course is no small feat with three young children, and I've managed our time in my head and plotted everything out and then all of a sudden realize that I have to somehow fit in another 10-15 minute task.
Yesterday I bought some whole milk so we could start mixing that in a little bit to ease the transition. We're almost there. 3 more weeks until her first birthday.
I made some New Years goals, not necessarily resolutions, but I sort of mapped out some of the realistic things that I would like to make happen this year. It felt good to just put that time into myself, organize my thoughts, and think about the things that would make me a happier or more balanced person in 2016.
One of my goals was to read more, and I want to read at least 12 books this year. For those that read a lot I'm sure 12 books sounds like nothing, but I like my goals achievable, and I doubt I read 12 books last year. One book a month sounds like something I could and should make happen. Reading more is one of those activities that has positive effects on many parts of my life. First, having a book to read helps me avoid mindless internet/social media consumption at night when the kids are in bed, which is fine in moderation, but it can become a crutch and makes me feel all around shitty about myself. It also helps curb the mindless stupid TV watching & snacking that I tend to rely on for my "me time". Shoveling popcorn in your face is easier to do without a book in your hand. Finally, reading actually inspires me, even the frilly chick lit stuff that I tend to enjoy, to DO SOMETHING with my life, in a way that other forms of entertainment just do not do. Anyway, I am on track with my one-book-a-month goal, and read The Royal We a few weeks ago (loved), and then last week I figured out how to borrow Kindle books from the library, so I'm optimistic.
Another of my goals was to discover more podcasts. I am obsessed, especially with listening to podcasts while doing chores at home and commuting/driving all over the city picking up children from daycare and school. I mostly have stuck with my tried-and-true parenting and feminist podcasts, but I am currently binging on a hilarious comedy podcast called Gilmore Guys, in which two twenty-something guys watch, analyze, and podcast their way through every single episode of Gilmore Girls. It is amazing. And hilarious. And it makes my cheeks hurt from smiling... just all around silly, light-hearted fun.
Overall, plotting out things I'd like to accomplish has been SUPER motivating for me, and I've actually made an effort to do things I've put off for a really long time. Like subscribing to and ordering Chatbooks of my Instagram feed (done this week!), making a hair appointment after 16 months of laziness (chopped 10 inches a few weeks ago!), and focusing on bringing breakfast to work rather than grabbing a muffin or a bagel from the coffee place on the way to work (doing this more often that not doing this, which is major progress). We also signed Gus up for ski lessons in January and those went pretty great, and I hope just having it written down will remind me of my intentions to make swimming lessons happen this winter sometime.
Best I have on my phone of the new hair.
And yeah. At some point we have to get Olive baptized. So that's on my list. Ha.
I'm giving myself a little bit of a pass on exercise right now, but it's something that I want to start doing again. Twice a week seems manageable but of course right now it's not happening because it's just been so long. So I am having some major failure to launch issues in that area of my life.
Blogging once a week also seems doable, but I'm already failing, so whatever. But I'd like to try. Even if it's just more of this mind-dump kind of stuff that you are reading right now. And with that, I better end this, or I risk never posting it (another one of my blogging obstacles, I have so many drafts of non-starter posts that will never see the light of day).
Of course I can't not post a few recent pics of the kids if I'm going to actually blog...courtesy of the most recent snowstorm and a trip to The Works museum!