Tuesday, October 23, 2007

My (snotty) Comeback

Things that piss me off about being a woman, especially on days like today when I am PMS-ing and eating a Lean Cuisine for lunch:

- Maybe it’s just me, but I find the entire process of sneaking a tampon from my office to the bathroom completely irritating and quite simply, exhausting. I despise the whole song-and-dance and really just hate that I have to deal with it at all. I can’t count the number of times that I’ve been mid-route and an obnoxious contracts guy stops me to ask a question, which I try to answer as I maneuver myself so as not to reveal what I am carrying. You have to be uuber sneaky, and I try to change up my methods, which usually depend on what I’m wearing. With long sleeves, I do the trusty “up-the-sleeve” move, which requires a lady to walk with her arms stick straight, (so as not to cause the sounds of rustling plastic to be heard by those she passes), while awkwardly clenching the ends of her sleeves. Other times I will stick it in the waistband of my pants, but this method almost always produces the rustling sounds, so I have to compensate by making a bunch of extra noise as I walk. It also causes a bulge, so it cannot be done right unless one’s shirt is loose and long enough. Cardigans help. Finally, the best way is really to hide the tampon in a file folder or notebook or something, and walk like you’re on the way to a meeting. However, I don’t like to use this method too many times in one day, because I tend to pass the same people on the way to the bathroom (smokers heading outside every 15 minutes - I’m looking at you), and I am paranoid that they will notice I’m carrying the same fricken file folder every time I go to the bathroom. Whatever. Maybe I am seriously crazy and am the only one to go to such lengths, but all this work to change my tampon is just really aggravating.

- It also pisses me off that I have to worry so much about what I’m eating for breakfast and lunch, so as not to completely ruin my day, because I will inevitably over-eat in the evening. If I indulge myself and have a donut or bagel for breakfast, I am regretting it almost the instant it is in my belly, because then I have to try to eat either a tiny lunch, or forgo my couch-snacking in the evening. Or that glass of red wine with my TiVo. These are treats I allow myself after making it through another 9-hour day at the office, so if I’ve screwed myself over already by 9:00 AM, what kind of day do you think I’ll have? Ugh. Today’s a good day so far though, I had a Kashi granola bar and a non-fat strawberry yogurt (with, of course, coffee). High five for me. Whoo!

- Tights. I hate that they are both soooooo freaking cute, and so fricken uncomfortable. Why God? Why? By the way, I’m wearing tights today, and I think I might have found some good ones that create minimal waist-bulge and crotch-drooping. It probably helps that I bought the biggest size there is, “supposedly” for women that weight 25-60 pounds more than me. That is such bullshit. Just add that to the list. The sizing method of tights.

- While we’re at it, sizing of ALL women’s clothing is just ridiculous. I hate that I have to try on every single thing I buy because no two retailers have the same sizing methods. How freaking aggravating.

I sound so pissy. I’m not even having that bad of a day, oh well. Maybe it will make it better if I say something nice. Ok, here goes. I love Jesus and puppies. That should do it.