May 24, 2011 (7 Weeks)

More of my ramblings, when we weren't yet telling anyone I was pregnant.  I'm pretty lame, clearly I really wanted to talk to someone about it, thus the typing and blathering about nothing.  Dork.  And yes, still can't believe how quickly I showed with this baby.  I am currently 15 weeks and I just look so darn pregnant, and I'm of course now gaining weight like a champion, nearly 10 pounds at this point.  It's weird.  Last time I barely wore maternity clothes before 18 weeks.  I'm sure it's nothing to worry about, I haven't really changed my eating habits or activity level, other than needing something small every once in a while to curb the slight nausea I sometimes still get, but I just don't like it.  I thought I'd know what to expect the second time around, but I guess not, and that is unnerving.  Ahh well, here we go with the blathering about nothing...     

So it’s been a few weeks since we found out I’m pregnant, and I’m going a little insane not telling anyone. I feel like this huge walking imposter, I have literally nothing to say to anyone because my whole life revolves around feeling nauseous and being so bloated that I already, at 7 weeks, cannot fit comfortably into most of my pants. But I can’t talk about any of that with anyone, so I don’t have anything to talk about.

Anyway, you read that correctly, already I’m having trouble finding things that fit me. Clearly I’m not ready to jump into wearing maternity clothes already, especially since NO ONE KNOWS I’M PREGNANT, but most of my spring/summer stuff from last year makes me look like a stuffed sausage. The bloat is insane, it started the week before I took the test, and it has gotten worse with each passing day. Funny thing is that I gained about 4 pounds that week before I peed on the stick, and I had total fit. Nearly 5 pounds in one week? What is going on with my body? Ha.

And now two weeks later, I weighed myself and I am down a pound and a half. But I have this massive bloated belly. So massive, I found myself Googling all weekend about showing early with your second pregnancy, how early is normal? Could I be pregnant with twins? Ahhhh, pregnancy. 1st trimester. My old friend. I forgot about what a serious mind-f$#% you are.

The nausea and reflux is going strong, but no vomiting yet. I need to be eating or drinking something pretty much constantly, or I feel nauseous, but then half the things I try to eat leave me feeling just as terrible. With my first pregnancy, I started getting pretty heavy duty morning sickness around week 7, to the point where I threw up every single morning before work, at least once, and then would often have to pull over on my commute to dry heave/vomit. The rest of the day was just torturous nausea. So I’m nervous, to say the least, that things are about to get a lot worse. Knowing what may be to come is just torture, but then I am, at the same time, too superstitious to even consider or hope for one second that it might not be that bad this time.

We’re planning on telling family this weekend, really there will be no hiding it, we’ll be at Dan’s family’s cabin for the holiday weekend, confined in a tiny little house with nearly 20 people, surely there will be drinking, of which I would normally partake, and quite honestly, I look and act like a pregnant chick, and I am a terrible liar. Keeping up the charade just seems so pointless.

I am feeling so much more cautious the second time around, I’ve known a number of people, friends, acquaintances, who have lost a baby in the first trimester over the past year, and I guess it’s just hit close to home. I’m irrationally scared of sharing our excitement with others, of talking about the future, of seeing the smiles on their faces. None of those things are going to cause me to miscarry, so what am I afraid of? It’s not as if I wouldn’t need the support of my family if we lost our child. Ugh. And now I’ve thought and written about this way more than I would like.

So yeah, telling family. YAY! I can’t wait to not feel like Dan and I are in this little bubble that no one can actually see but makes me feel sort of lonely and claustrophobic. I need to talk to people! I made a call to my midwife last week and it was strangely comforting to actually acknowledge this pregnancy with someone in the outside world. She said, “Another January baby, how exciting!” and my heart sort of skipped a beat.

A baby. My baby. Another baby. Whoa.

Don’t even get me started on the idea of having a baby in January. Right now, it sounds like the worst idea imaginable, but I guess that’s our reality right? I know Dan gets all annoyed with me when I rant on and on about it, but honestly, the idea of my maternity leave being in the middle of the three most horrible months of the year (come on admit it, January and February suck, and March is just barely tolerable), well I get sort of panicked thinking about it, and annoyed at myself for not “planning things” a little better. I craved the outdoors those first couple months with a newborn. I needed to be around humans, at least a little, or I went crazy. And now we’ll have a second baby, and a cooped up toddler in the middle of a Minnesota winter. Yeah, well, I’m sort of a downer about it. But maybe? Maybe a new baby will be what makes January and February not suck? Maybe we’ll have our breezeway project completed by then and we can hang out in that sunny little space and feel like we’re out doors? Maybe Gus can play in the snow in the backyard and I can supervise whilst sipping cocoa safely inside our cozy, warm little porch, cuddling and nursing my snuggly little newbie?

That is the image of my future life I will just have to believe in.