Ramblings of a lunatic

I am determined to get something written here, because it is so NOT Halloween anymore, and that picture of me as a ninja just needs to go away.  (Note to self: also change Facebook profile picture asap.  Duh.)

What has even been happening, to excuse such an absence?  Well, I think we can sum it up.

I am getting huge, that's what's happening. 

I am 33 weeks pregnant as of... yesterday, and I am really starting to remember what the end of a pregnancy is like.  I'm fine, really, feeling just fine, but it does start to wear on you by this point in the process.  The sleeping thing is ok, I am finally for the first time in two years not getting up for Gus in the middle of the night, like, AT ALL, so that is wonderful, but of course I have replaced those wake-ups with those that are a result of needing to pee every two hours or so, or turn over onto my other side to give the sore hip I have been sleeping on a little break.

Whatever, it's not that bad at all, I just, somehow, sort of forgot about this 3rd trimester crap!

Oh, by the way I don't want anyone to get the crazy idea that Gus actually sleeps through the night at 27 months old, so I should clarify my above statement, and say that though I personally am not getting up and dealing with him, someone (Dan) is.

That crazy little boy of ours, he is actually sleeping so much better than he ever was back in the day when it was all I could really talk or think about because I was so sleep deprived.  He only wakes up once or maybe twice a night, and if one of us just climbs into bed to snuggle with him (bringing with us some milk and/or a pacifier) he for the most part goes right back to sleep.  Which means mom or dad falls right back asleep upstairs, and then zombifies back down to our bedroom a few hours later when he or she wakes up with a toddler's foot in their face.  This we can handle though, because EVERYONE GETS TO SLEEP.  That is key, we can handle a little bit of "musical beds" if we all GET TO SLEEP.

Anyway, clearly I needed to stop going up there in the middle of the night, because in, ohhhh, about 7 weeks I will have someone even more needy to care for at all hours of the night.  And even up until last week, Gus would get RAGING MAD when it was daddy who came upstairs in the middle of the night.  I could hear the hysterics through the monitor and it really is somewhat funny because seriously child?  Is that drama necessary? 

On one particular occasion while listening in from downstairs, I could tell that he was seeing that it was daddy because he instantly started banging ferociously on the gate in his doorway, and then I could hear Dan's hushed voice, "It's ok, shhhh, Gus you have to move and let me in...", and then a loud screech and what constituted him lurching out of Dan's grasp and throwing himself to the floor to the tune of a big ole pumpkin noggin hitting the hardwood floor.  Tears.  Hysterics.  "Mommy!  Mommy!"

Oh buddy.  Such drama.  It is so unnecessary.

But like most parenting challenges, we just needed to be consistent for more than a few days, because he hasn't really gotten pissed over the last week, and actually calls out for "Daddy" rather than "Mommy" some of the time.  Major progress I tell you!  And this is a key hurdle we would like to get through before the baby comes, because I don't want Gus associating the new baby with his mom abandoning him.  It cannot be that little baby's fault that I'm no longer available for him in the middle of the night, even though, well... it really is the baby's fault.  Gus cannot know that, we don't need to give him any extra ammunition for resenting the little guy.

Oh one really frustrating pregnancy development over the last month is that my midwives are no longer going to be able to deliver at the hospital we had planned on having this baby at.  Some big political something happened with the clinic they are currently associated with, and the hospital itself, and as of Jan 1 they are out, and moving to another hospital that is much further away from home. 

So we had to choose between the following crappy options:

1. Switch to an OB that delivers at our hospital.  New clinic, new provider, but same hospital.
2. Find a midwife at another hospital that is closer than the one our midwives are going to.  New clinic, new provider, new hospital, but at least it's still the midwifery model of care that is important to us. 
3. Follow our midwives to this new hospital.  
4. Unassisted home birth.  

We chose option 3.  Truthfully, at this point a home birth truly sounds the most appealing, even though I'm sure half my friends and family would think I'm crazy to even consider it an option, but I'm being honest here.  When I think about all the logistics that go into having a baby at the hospital... getting someone to take Gus on a moment's notice, packing bags for everyone, getting to the hospital in enough time to not have this baby in the car, and spending two days away from home.  Ugh. 

But I would want a midwife there, which means I'd have to find a home birth midwife this late in the game.  No.  Just, not going to happen.    

So option 3.  The idea of completely switching to a new birth team was really stressing me out.  We are just going to have to be smarter about things this time and get our asses to the hospital.  Goodness, just thinking about last time, laboring by myself in the back of our car, fully effaced and dilated, basically trying to hold that kid in.  Yeah, and that was a 5 minute ride to the hospital. 

This time, we listen to and trust my body and our instincts.  If contractions come on that strong and that fast right away again, then we leave RIGHT AWAY.

Well after we call my parents to come get our two year old!  Goodness.

Anyway.  Clearly I'm trying to come to grips with the fact that this is all something I need to start thinking about, but also, quite clearly, I haven't really done the appropriate thinking yet.  It's all just coming out as word vomit here.

First step.  Set up a tour of our new hospital.  Stat.  Yes, that's a good first step.