Monday, February 06, 2012

Figuring things out

At the risk of jinxing it, (and if all goes to hell after this is published, I swear I will quit blogging), things are going really well here at the five week mark.  The fact that I say that, despite one particularly annoying and nasty setback that goes by the name of thrush, says quite a bit.

We've been keeping really busy.  During the week I seem to have something planned most days, whether it's Gus's ECFE class, spending the day with my mom, having a visitor, hanging out at my in-laws, or meeting one of my brothers for lunch, there always seems to be something.  This is good for me, because I am totally someone that quickly becomes unhinged when I spend too much time at home.  Dan and I really differ on this. So on weekends I'm all, "HEY MAN, LET'S GET GOING, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TODAY?!  BOOK STORE? CHILDREN'S MUSEUM? COSTCO? COFFEE SHOP?" as soon as we wake up.  And he has been working all week long, and balks at how much work it is to get out of the house, questioning whether it's really worth it, so we end up at a bit of a crossroads.  But all I can think about is the fact that we have four parental hands on the weekends, to combat/control the four child-sized hands that we are in charge of, so we have to take advantage of that and get out of the house and do something fun! fun! fun!  Even though, yeah, it's going to also be a lot of work, but that is simply life with two kids.

Louie's first bottle at 4 weeks old

The extra amount of work is just something I'm starting to get used to.  The other day I had my first 100% tear-free and no-stress get-out-of-the-house-by-myself-with-two-kids scenario.  I got in the car and drove away and just felt so powerful, like, I can do this, I AM doing this!  I imagine it would be this song in the background that morning as I drove off, if my life were a romantic comedy.  

In other news, I am already, after only five weeks of this, SO SICK of my everyday wardrobe of a nursing tank with some sort of loose top over it, jeans or leggings, and my muffin top.  I loathe getting dressed in the morning.  I say this even though I realize that yes, just a month or so ago I was making a similar complaint about my maternity clothes and massive belly, so really, can I ever just be happy?  The answer to that?  Probably not, at least not for another nine months to a year, which I feel like is how long it takes to start feeling like yourself again after having a baby.

4 weeks postpartum - stretchy pants of course
So I also realized the other day that it has been over a year since I've gotten my hair cut or colored.  Isn't that ridiculous?  I seriously have become some sort of hippie.  A very LAZY hippie, that is.  Thus, this week I vow to make a hair appointment, because that's something I can control, as we all know my postpartum muffin top won't likely be going away for a while even if I'm just a few pounds away from being back at pre-pregnancy weight.  The postpartum muffin top cares not how much I weigh, it will make itself comfortable and hang out for a while no matter what.  I suppose it would probably help to do some crunches, but I won't even pretend that's going to happen.   

Ok, so how about I talk about that baby of mine.

He turned five weeks old on Saturday, and people he is getting huge!  He was already nearly eleven pounds at the two week mark, so who knows what he weighs at this point, but he has been growing out of a lot of his three month clothes and wearing things Gus didn't wear until I had gone back to work.  So suffice it to say, he is growing.

Smiles are imminent, I just know it.  I swear he is just doing that happy face thing right now, where he makes eye contact coos a little bit, and it looks like he's about to smile at you but he just doesn't quite seem to manage going all the way.  I did catch a few smiles at the wall the other day, but I'm not calling it until he's looking an actual human being in the eyes.  

Breastfeeding is going well, but I seem to have a bit of an oversupply, or overactive letdown, something like that because we've been dealing with a lot of choking and screaming and frantic gulping.  It has been stressing me out, and I finally decided to start pumping in the morning, which seems to help.  I get about six to eight ounces every morning, so it's nice to slowly start building up a freezer stash.  I also try to recline a bit while I'm nursing which in my head seems like a logical way to slow down the force of my letdown, help him breath a little between gulps, I don't know.  But it's been hard to know what the issue really was, since we also had thrush which could have been what was bothering him.  Ugh, breastfeeding really does play tricks with your mind.  I'm constantly second guessing things, worrying about pumping too much, or not enough.  Worrying that the little guy is screaming at the boob because he still has thrush, even though we think it's gone.  Worrying that he's not drinking enough milk, even though the child is growing like a weed and that is a completely ridiculous fear at this point.  And really, the screaming usually happens in the evening when he gets super overtired and is likely not even hungry at all, just being force-fed by his psycho mother. 

What was that I said about being more confident about caring for an infant this time?  Ha!

This has been all over the place, and it probably doesn't help matters that it took me three days to write it, but oh well.  That is how my life is right now.  And life is pretty good, difficult some days for sure, (last Tuesday I woke up whining that I just didn't feel like mothering that day, like I had any choice), but good. We're all four of us figuring things out.


Erin said...

I'm glad things are mostly going well, and really sad to hear that you had to deal with thrush. I got so lucky the first time around with no real nursing issues other than the whole oversupply/cranky baby when eating issue that is basically exactly what you describe - so I'm nervous that it won't be nearly as easy this time. Funny that you still 2nd guess yourself even this time... the random screaming in the evening would get to anyone though, and it's impossible not to start to just try to figure out WHY.

Heather said...

It's so nice to hear about other mothers who second-guess themselves. The part you said about breastfeeding playing tricks on your mind - I totally get that. I am ALWAYS second-guessing myself if my baby's had enough to eat / too much to eat / etc. etc. etc.

Sounds like you're doing an amazing job balancing it all, and at such an early stage! 5 weeks in and you're an old pro :)

Erin said...

I identify with pretty much everything in this post right now - the outfit dilemma, the breastfeeding craziness, having to get out of the house, the hair, etc. I am sorry you've had to deal with thrush! Louie's chub is adorable!